My son is a smart-alec. At least, that’s what I like to pretend. If I were to call him perceptive, intuitive, and precocious, people might think that the things he says are true. Which, of course, they are, but people don’t need to know that. They need to think I’m perfect.

So, today, my friend Sharon informs me that Patrick said “the funniest thing” in preschool. To be fair, Sharon thinks many things are “the funniest thing” (she’s funny that way), but she was particularly amused today. At preschool, the children sat in a circle and discussed opposites. Tall, short. Up, down. Happy, Sad. Cry… This is when Patrick raised his hand. The teacher called on him, and Patrick told her a story.

“My mommy cried really, really hard when she fell off the wagon.”

Sharon just started laughing and laughing. I begged her to finish. After all, is Patrick out there telling people that I have a drinking problem? I’m a friend of Bill W.? Because I don’t and I’m not! Please, Sharon, tell me that there is more to this story. Please!!!

So, Sharon composed herself for long enough to finish Patrick’s story.

“She was on Weight Watchers and she ate a whole bunch of food and she cried really hard. She fell off the Weight Watchers wagon.”

I felt better. Sort of. I guess it’s better than Patrick telling people that Mommy is a lush, but it’s still really embarrassing, especially because it NEVER HAPPENED. I do admit that I struggle with my weight, and that Weight Watchers is a program to which I subscribe (and on which I lost 35 pounds). But I did not – REPEAT: DID NOT – have a bawl fest because I didn’t follow the Points program.

So, Sharon and Shelly sat there and laughed and laughed at me, while I tried to explain that it never happened. When I asked Patrick about it, he told me that it DID HAPPEN, and gave me a semi-specific date: “the week we had my half-birthday at school.” Does Patrick have a better memory than me, or did he make it all up as an attempt to embarrass me. I figure that he’s trying to get back at me for something, so he made it all up. That’s my story, at least, and I am sticking to it.