My (very young) mother had a pacemaker installed yesterday. I have decided to go out and buy her a pair of cymbals and some nice, fluffy pink bunny ears to go with her new batteries. That way, she can go on her daily walk and irritate the neighbors with her energetic ways and clanging cymbals. They'll love it.

Of course, you must understand that this pacemaker is a "gadget" for my mother, and my mother is not a "gadget person." She bought a new car recently, and it has a navigation system installed. I considered that one of the greatest wastes of technology known to man. She has a digital camera, but she's not really clear on how to use it. For that matter, she never really mastered any type of photographic equipment, including the ever-popular 1980s Disc camera, which was about the easiest thing in the world to use. She can use a computer, but her abilities are limited to the religious reading of the Drudge Report and foxnews.com and keeping up with her mailbox full of Bunco invitations and Red Hat meeting notices. She has actually gotten her cell phone stuck on speakerphone and had to take it to the cell phone store to get them to fix it for her. I shudder to think what would happen if I gave her an iPod. I think her head might explode (although it would allow her to download Rush Limbaugh's podcast, which she would find useful).

Since I couldn't be in Houston for my mom's operation (they frown on 8-month-pregnant ladies flying, apparently), in the spirit of absentee childism, I have come up with some great ways to help my mom get used to her new gadget. These are just some bits of information I've picked up from various sources, and I hope she finds them helpful!

1. The pacemaker manufacturers now tell us that the use of microwaves by pacemaker-implanted people is safe. If that's safe, then it's probably just as safe to actually sit in the microwave (maybe even safer, inasmuch as more of a good thing is often better). Warm your soup and your heart at the same time!

2. Airport security screeners enjoy hassling pacemaker patients, since they tend to make the machines go haywire. Make sure to always wear clean underpants when flying. That way, when they do the full-body cavity search, you won't be embarrassed.

3. No more bar fights. I know my mother can get a bit ornery, but, Mom, you've just got to calm down when some hussy starts putting the moves on Dad down at Moe's Tavern. A blow to the chest could be life-threatening, you know. Besides, Dad's afraid of you, so he'd never go along with a hussy's advances.

4. Don't bother going to the dentist anymore. Apparently, you have to warn him about your pacemaker, and that's really just a big hassle. It's better to just go around with cavities and stinky breath. Much simpler.

5. Don't handle live wires. Of course, if you're doing that anyway, you probably deserve the shock you'd get.

6. Especially important for you, Mom: Turn off the car motor when you're working on it. I know how much you like to get in there and get grease under your nails, but you've gotta be smart now that you're a pacemaker patient. The same goes for when you're working on the boat motor.

7. Good news for Dad: You can still "enjoy" housework duties (I swear that's the word one of the websites used - enjoy!) such as vacuuming, cooking, dusting and ironing. You can get back to your wifely duties within a few days.

All in all, we know that this is the best thing for my mom. When Tom's dad has his pacemaker implanted many years ago, it was more of an emergency than it was for my mother (he passed out in the bathroom in the middle of the night and they had to call the ambulance). Now that she has the pacemaker, she should be able to avoid the weird fainting spells that often precede pacemaker implantation, therefore living an improved quality of life.

I am guessing, however, that once she reads this (especially my section poking fun at her lack of technological prowess), my quality of life will diminish greatly. At least until she forgives me.


Oh, quick side story - the nurse didn't believe my mother's age when she saw the chart. She actually re-checked it because she said my mother looked so much younger. That made my mother's day. Nothing like getting electrical devices implanted in your heart and then being told how young and vibrant you are!